Philosophers spend their time debating lofty topics like the essence of morality, the existence of the afterlife and the ethics of ecology, which is all well and good, but maybe they ought to turn their attention to certain aspects of everyday life. Take the 7-Eleven convenience store chain. Let it be known that 7-Eleven is the king of all franchise businesses. There is no company in the world with more stores than 7-Eleven, not even McDonald's. There is at least one store in 18 countries around the world and a truly staggering number per capita in its chief markets of its homeland in the United States and the country of its current owner, Japan. As such a pervasive corporate entity, 7-Eleven has plenty of branded products it uses to compete with many of the items in its regular stock. A lot of these are "private label" products, essentially items made by another company and licensed to the retailer under a different name, while others are straight homebrew. Here's a rundown and review of a few of the store-brand items that feed millions of people worldwide every single day.
The Slurpee
The first and probably greatest private label item at 7-Eleven is that staple of the convenience store, the Slurpee. Now, let's get something straight: A Slurpee is just a re-branded Icee, but in a predictable twist of fate the Slurpee, by being the flagship product of the ubiquitous 7-Eleven, is far more common than the Icee. It's so common that the term "Slurpee" has become modern parlance for any drink of syrup-flavored crushed ice. All in all, I think the Slurpee has improved over the years, veering away from its sickly sweet red and blue concoctions to aim for subtler but still sweet flavors like Pina Colada and Banana. Big props to 7-Eleven for being cool with self-serve mixing, as a lot of those flavors mix remarkably well.
GO-GO Taquitos
Let's be honest about pretty much all the solid foods under the 7-Eleven brand. These things are not good for you. They are greasy, processed and full of preservatives. Not only should their very presence in a 24-hour convenience store be a clear indication of the risk involved, your own body's reaction to them should be a true indicator that 7-Eleven brand foods are kinda poison. That said, the torture that follows the consumption of as few as two of their Cream Cheese Jalapeno taquitos is a worthwhile expenditure of your mortality. Not so much the other flavors and God help you if you make the mistake of eating one of the vile breakfast taquitos, especially since they sport a wholly unwelcome potato filling along with their fake egg, cheese and bacon.
Deli Sandwiches
Is there a word any more abused in cuisine than "deli"? Make no mistake, the "fresh" foods at 7-Eleven are thoroughly corporate eats. Their sandwiches consist of impossibly geometric bread filled with meat, vegetables and condiments that are clearly meant to represent the ideal of what they mimic but fail to capture the flavor or texture of actually fresh ingredients. Again, this should come as no surprise, but it still wears on the soul to eat one of these things. Be smart and skip anything with "salad" in the name (egg, chicken, tuna or just plain eat-it-with-a-fork salad) and get the most bang for your 4 or so bucks by grabbing the footlong hoagie. Use the money you save to grab some antacid tablets.
Frozen Foods
There is a war between 7-Eleven and TGI Friday's, a terrifying conflict waged in the freezer chests of late-night convenience stores. Which plastic-like, fried food will win the affections of the desperate and the stoned? Brand recognition is one thing, but price and humor tends to triumph. Somewhere down the line, a corporate manager at 7-Eleven decided that fried cheese sticks were so 20th century, resulting in the Mozzarella Cheese Plank. The deceptively fancy-sounding Panko Breaded Onion Petals are undercut by the questionable alchemy of whatever the hell "Aussie Sauce" is and the Cheddar Bacon Potato Skins somehow manage to be as depressing as those off-brand frozen pizza bagels from the 90's, which is no small feat. Final recommendation: Don't eat any of these items sober and you should be fine.