I tried it... and I still don't like it.
Bologna, or its Americanized name "baloney," recently had a star appearance on The Colbert Report. I was stunned as I watched the story on how bologna's prices have risen so fast, and the meat is in such high demand that it has created an opportunity for smuggling black market bologna across the border from Mexico.
I don't like bologna. But as I watched kids on The Colbert Report tuck into their bologna slices with delight, I realized that I literally could not remember the last time I ate some. My earliest bologna-related memory is just a vague feeling of dread at kindergarten that I would get to the lunch table late and have to get stuck with a bologna sandwich. Clearly my opinion had been solidified before the time I was five or six. But at this point, as I near 40, "I hate bologna" was basically just received wisdom.
What did I REALLY think of bologna? That's the question I set out to solve. The first thing I thought was, "Dang, this stuff IS expensive." The Oscar Meyer brand was almost $5 for a 9-ounce package. Bologna costs as much as real lunch meat!
I quickly discovered that there is literally nothing that I like about bologna. Here is a list of my objections:
- LOOKS: The pinkish hue is not appealing. It looks both raw and fake.
- SIZE: The thickness is off-putting. I prefer lunch meats sliced thinly, deli-style.
- METAPHYSICALLY: Oh I get it, this is basically a gigantic hot dog, sliced up for sandwiches. I'm not a big fan of hot dogs.
- TEXTURE: somewhere in between a slice of foam rubber and a slice of cheese. Oddly foamy yet durable. You can fold it in half and it won't crack.
In order to give bologna a fair hearing, I tried it several different ways:
- COLD, EATEN STRAIGHT FROM THE PACKAGE: like eating a cold, un-cooked hot dog. Leaves behind a grotesque lard film in your mouth.
- COLD, IN SANDWICHES: the best thing I can say about baloney is that it disappeared into my sandwich. I had no idea what I was eating. It was so bland, it got overpowered by the slice of medium cheddar cheese.
- FRIED, EATEN STRAIGHT FROM THE PAN: fairly sopping with rendered fat. Frying it makes it taste even saltier than usual. Disgustingly slithery on the tongue, like a hot raw oyster.
- FRIED, ADDED TO A HOMEMADE EGG-AND-TOAST BREAKFAST SANDWICH: makes a salty, greasy breakfast even saltier and greasier, and not in a nice way.