Are you ready for something called "creamy sriracha?"
Could this be the last stop on the Sriracha Train? Surely a trend is dead when it finally arrives at Subway Sandwiches. Subway is now serving something called "creamy sriracha sauce," which takes the Internet's favorite condiment (well… maybe second favorite, behind Nutella) and Americanizes it by making it creamy - and presumably less spicy in the process.
The Internet freakin' loves sriracha, and I have never been entirely sure why. Sure, I love sriracha. I put it on all kinds of stuff. I, like a lot of people, learned about it in the early 2000s as "rooster sauce," a bright red bottle of pain placed on every table at a local teriyaki joint.
But I don't love it enough to get a tattoo made, or sell thousands of posters and bumper stickers. I'm not sure I feel that passionate about any condiment, to tell you the truth, no matter how delicious it is. (And make no mistake, sriracha IS delicious. I'm not disparaging the sauce itself.)
Subway is currently testing creamy sriracha in their Santa Ana stores. Oh, how I dislike Subway. Not the sandwiches per se, which seem reasonably competent. Certainly better than the usual fast food fare, with actual vegetables and all. It's nice to be able to pick up a lunch for about five bucks that isn't completely battered and deep fried.
The smell of the stores is certainly objectionable, of course. I recently learned that the distinctive Subway smell is partly due to the smell of the proofing dough, apparently. This seems plausible enough, although it has a special chemical tang to the odor which makes me a little bit concerned about what exactly is going into their bread.
No, what I really hate about Subway is that they quiz you on every single ingredient. Any sensible deli will hand you a slip of paper and have you tick the boxes for the things you want on your sandwich. Instead of that endless shuffle sideways down the line as a dissatisfied (and probably stoned) "sandwich artist" quizzes you in an incomprehensible mumble, the words in the specific question worn down to nubs by over-use, like stones worn smooth in a river bed.
"Lettucetomatoespickle."
"Cucumberpeppersonions."
"Mustardmayosaltpepperoilvinegar."
It's a special sort of death for anyone with social anxiety. Nothing is worse than having to ask a complete stranger to repeat themselves, and then they just say the same thing exactly the way they just said it, and you still can't understand it. What a terrible experience. JUST GET ORDER PADS, SUBWAY!