Sometimes food criticism benefits from a steady, effete voice. Other times it's all about the fun of unpretentious eats on the road. But on a few, rare occasions, somebody just needs to be a jerk about it. Enter The Disgruntled Food Critic. Today's target, famous brand name foods from the world of corporate America.
Multigrain Cheerios: It's like regular Cheerios got drunk at a party and had a love child with
Honey Nut Cheerios but was so embarrassed about it that she raised the kid to think its father
was Kix.
Sweet Spicy Chili Doritos: The Frito-Lay Corporation found General Tso, tortured him for his chicken
recipe, rendered it into a powder and now refuses to call it what it is for fear of retribution from the Chinese government.
NECCO Wafers: Oliver R. Chase was the brains behind the NECCO Corporation, but his brother
Silas had the social skills Oliver sorely lacked. When it came time to make a business, Oliver indulged Silas's obsession with a candy that tastes like laundry detergent solely for the sake of public relations.
DiGiorno Pizza: Of course it's not delivery. The middle is still frozen, the slices are uneven
and the sausage tastes distinctly of industrial lubricant.
Baby Ruth Bar: Ya know what I've got a wicked craving for? A Snickers with leprosy.
Pop Chips: I don't know which is worse, the fact that they taste like stale Rice Crispies covered
in salt or that they make themselves so at home on my teeth that my finger is like an Israeli
bulldozer knocking down their unwanted settlements.
Cherry Dr. Pepper: Seeing as Dr. Pepper is already cherry-flavored (despite what their self-satisfied marketing department says) I suppose I shouldn't be insulted that this stuff doesn't taste any different than the original recipe. Still, Double-Chocolate Cake seems to pull it off, so I'm pretty miffed.
7-11 Brand Fruit Pies: They cost 80 cents less than Hostess pies and ya know what? They taste
exactly 80 cents worse. I respect them for that.
Vodka 360 by Earth Friendly Distillery: If saving the whales feels as bad as Three Olives Hippie tastes, I say we give BP a no-bid contract to drill the entire Pacific.
Nature Valley Sweet & Salty Nut Bars: Like a Payday that grew up watching PBS, taking
advanced placement classes and experimenting with bisexuality in college.
Barbecue Chicken Hot Pockets: I never thought I'd find myself longing for the cheap marinara
sweetness of the original pizza recipe or the mouth-searing wrongness of the ham and cheese Hot
Pockets. It just goes to show you that nothing is impossible when you're being fed by the
criminally negligent.
Reese's Peanut Butter and Banana Cream Elvis Cups: Like sweet tea, palmetto bugs and guilt for
acts of racism I didn't even commit, these are things I can only get when I visit the South. I
count that among my blessings.