Listen up, my fellow Hebrews and Shebrews, we've got a serious problem and it's high time we start fixing it. Every damn year our winter holiday gets overshadowed by the twin culinary terrors that are Thanksgiving and Christmas. Sure, we could just blame Hanukkah's lack of adventurous cuisine on having to compete with America's favorite national holiday and the hulking behemoth that is Christianity, ya know, if we wanted to be pansies about it. Consider this the intervention and the call to action. Hanukkah food isn't impressive enough and that has to end now and forever.
First off, the potato latke. I love these things as much as any Jew, but they get too much of the spotlight. Latkes are a side dish, damn it. Sorry, Mom, making a huge pile of them and sticking them in the center of the table don't make latkes an entree. Maybe they were 200 years ago when they were invented by a bunch of impoverished shtetl-dwellers, but I'd like to think that our culture has grown beyond that. Fried potatoes are not and will never be a main course.
So, what can we do to rectify this problem? The answer, as it often is, is meat. This is America. Meat is what's for dinner. Meat is impressive, it's symbolic, it brings people to the table. Hanukkah needs its own official meat dish so it can compete with Thanksgiving and Christmas. America took the turkey, which is fine because that's not exactly a Jewish kind of animal. And Christmas? It's not like we'll be clamoring for a freaking ham, so no worries there. The problem is that once you go beyond pig, cow or fowl you start to enter "acquired taste" territory. Fish? Forget that noise. Nobody is going to get excited about a holiday fish recipe. The same goes for seafood in general, especially since the whole kosher thing has a problem with shellfish.
That's why I've come up with two options for the official meat of Hanukkah. First on the plate is buffalo. That's right, bison is 100% kosher, not too gamy but noticeably different from beef and no major religion has claimed it as ritual food. We might even form a new bond with the American Indian population as a result. For a more poetic Hanukkah meal, I say we go for venison. But not just any variety. That's right, reindeer. I think Jews ought to celebrate Hanukkah but chowing down on one of Santa's sleigh-slaves. Maybe even top that reindeer steak with a cherry to remind us of Rudolph.
Lastly, let's talk about the abysmal state of Hanukkah sweets. Gelt? Seriously? Nobody actually likes cheap, waxy chocolate wrapped in tight tin foil that makes it impossible to eat the stuff without getting it under your fingernails. Screw gelt. Gelt sucks. Why oh why are we not taking advantage of the jelly doughnut thing? We cornered that confection ages ago and have yet to shout our conquest from the rooftops. If the Christians forever acquired mint as their holiday candy flavor, surely we can make some headway with fried dough filled with fruit jelly and covered in powdered sugar. All we need is a marketing push, possibly an embrace of the mini doughnut-hole phenomenon. Have some pride, Chosen People.