Unless you actually plan on being in Texas for this year's Super Bowl, chances are you'll be shouting at the TV in the comfort of somebody's home. If you aren't surrounded by food at all times during this event, you're doing it wrong. Normally I'm the first guy to jump to the defense of tradition when it comes to food. I've lived through enough turkey-free Thanksgiving dinners to know that some people just have no shame when it comes to walking all over the classics. Ah, but Super Bowl food is different because almost nobody makes it themselves. People order in on Game Day, which I suppose is excusable considering that the focus is on the professional beasts running back and forth on a giant field and hurting themselves for our amusement. Viewers at home shouldn't have to worry about whatever's in the oven. At the same time, I think this year we can do a little better. Consider the following:
Pizza is Not an Obligation
Pizza is probably the most effortless food on the planet if you're not the one making it. It slices discreetly, balances between being filling and leaving room to accommodate any magnitude of appetite, and it's relatively inexpensive. Considering the sheer quantity of pizza consumed during the Super Bowl, making it at home is a terrible idea. Then again, pizza doesn't exactly have to be on the menu. There are other tasty, indulgent things that can be made at home for Game Day and still be in quantities vast enough to keep folks fed all day. Like, for example...
Fried Chicken
One of the many awesome things about fried chicken is that it keeps. You can make a giant batch of the stuff the night before then pop a massive platter of it in the oven to revive just minutes before kick-off. Seeing as fans at home tend to get chicken wings with their pizza anyway (which are unnecessarily messy and not particularly satisfying), making chicken the main course keeps things in the family of Super Bowl acceptable food. You'll also avoid the inevitable stains that go along with pizza consumption. People won't be looking at their plates, they'll be looking at the game. Fried chicken is just cleaner.
Side Dishes? Forks Can Go Jump Off a Bridge
If it can't be eaten with nature's utensils, leave it off the Super Bowl menu. Again, forks require eye contact to be used properly. I don't care what kind of finger food you bring to the table. It's all good. Potato skins, chips and dip, mixed nuts, wasabe peas, hell even carrot sticks will work. Skip the slaw, forget about the baked beans and slap yourself every time you even think of Jell-O.
There is No Place During the Super Bowl for Beer Snobs
Don't get me wrong, it's great that America has jumped on board the microbrew train with reckless abandon. There are some ridiculously tasty beers coming out of multiple regions across the country. Those heavy, hopsy, personable suds are meant for enjoying with pan-seared fish and the latest slice of indie rock genius, not during the Super Bowl. I'm not saying you have to dip into the bottom of the barrel and drink poison like Milwaukee's Best, but you shouldn't be too good for any of the simple Pilsners that have been a part of American drinking for over a century. Contrary to the invalid opinions of some, it's not okay to get drunk during the Super Bowl. Emotions run high and what starts as friendly jeering can quickly transform into an outright battle. Cheap beer tends to be a little lower in alcohol content, have a higher ratio of water to booze and has a way of creating a little well of liquid in the stomach that serves as a natural indicator of a drinker's sheer capacity for fluid.
So, if you absolutely must have a loud, animated, raucous Super Bowl party this year, at least have the common sense to do it right.