Oh my darlings, I don't know what's come over me. Most of the time I'm really good about eating quality food, made by hand (if not completely from scratch), with maximum nutritional value and everything.
But sometimes you just want Pop-Tarts and Pizza Rolls.
(Any time you're capitalizing the food you had for lunch, you're in trouble. Usually I would have a homemade "sandwich" or a "salad." Today I had "Pop-Tarts and Pizza Rolls.")
Pizza Rolls are a special kind of crack. I can go for months - years, even - without thinking about them. Then the next thing you know, I gotta have them. I can trace my most recent Pizza Roll cravings down to a Twitter message from a distant friend. I think it just said "Pizza Rolls, so gross, so yum!" And the instant I read her message, I HAD TO HAVE SOME.
For the uninitiated, Pizza Rolls are basically very small calzones, each about an inch long. Except gross, made from the lowest-quality ingredients, bathed in additives and preservatives and a strange oily coating, and sweeter than you might expect.
Pizza Rolls have the potential to be an amazing finger food. Sadly, they are made with Totino's pizza, one of the cheapest frozen pizzas you'll find. And that's saying something. You can occasionally find Totino's pizzas on sale for about $2 each.
These delicious little chemical concoctions are packed full of calories, fat, artificial flavors, artificial colors, and who knows what else. They have little to recommend them in the abstract. I'm pretty sure they put some kind of addictive substance in them, though. (I had some Pizza Rolls for lunch, and I already want to eat more. What's wrong with me?) It's probably the same addictive substance that keeps tricking me into buying McRib sandwiches, over and over again, even though they are disgusting.
I have learned that at my advanced age (of 38) I must stay away from the Pepperoni and Combination flavors. Both of which are guaranteed to give me heartburn for hours afterward. This is helpful, actually, because it can be hard to find the plain Cheese flavor. And when you do, it's usually in a smaller bag. (They save the giant King-size-bed-pillow-size bags of Pizza Rolls for Pepperoni flavor.)
There are several ways to prepare Pizza Rolls. Although you certainly can microwave them - there's no law against it - yet - I don't recommend this. It results in soggy, unappealing Pizza Rolls which leave a strange kind of greasy sweat on the plate. Instead, wait the required time to heat up your oven to 425. It's worth it. (If you have a toaster oven, more power to you.)
As the bag itself warns, "Caution! Pizza Roll filling may be hot!" May be, indeed. The experienced eater of Pizza Rolls knows to nibble off the corner first, to let the steam escape. Even so, the first few Pizza Rolls are best eaten with extreme care. Otherwise, the reactor-hot cheese inside will squirt straight onto the roof of your mouth, and you will be very sorry.
But sometimes you just want Pop-Tarts and Pizza Rolls.
(Any time you're capitalizing the food you had for lunch, you're in trouble. Usually I would have a homemade "sandwich" or a "salad." Today I had "Pop-Tarts and Pizza Rolls.")
Pizza Rolls are a special kind of crack. I can go for months - years, even - without thinking about them. Then the next thing you know, I gotta have them. I can trace my most recent Pizza Roll cravings down to a Twitter message from a distant friend. I think it just said "Pizza Rolls, so gross, so yum!" And the instant I read her message, I HAD TO HAVE SOME.
For the uninitiated, Pizza Rolls are basically very small calzones, each about an inch long. Except gross, made from the lowest-quality ingredients, bathed in additives and preservatives and a strange oily coating, and sweeter than you might expect.
Pizza Rolls have the potential to be an amazing finger food. Sadly, they are made with Totino's pizza, one of the cheapest frozen pizzas you'll find. And that's saying something. You can occasionally find Totino's pizzas on sale for about $2 each.
These delicious little chemical concoctions are packed full of calories, fat, artificial flavors, artificial colors, and who knows what else. They have little to recommend them in the abstract. I'm pretty sure they put some kind of addictive substance in them, though. (I had some Pizza Rolls for lunch, and I already want to eat more. What's wrong with me?) It's probably the same addictive substance that keeps tricking me into buying McRib sandwiches, over and over again, even though they are disgusting.
I have learned that at my advanced age (of 38) I must stay away from the Pepperoni and Combination flavors. Both of which are guaranteed to give me heartburn for hours afterward. This is helpful, actually, because it can be hard to find the plain Cheese flavor. And when you do, it's usually in a smaller bag. (They save the giant King-size-bed-pillow-size bags of Pizza Rolls for Pepperoni flavor.)
There are several ways to prepare Pizza Rolls. Although you certainly can microwave them - there's no law against it - yet - I don't recommend this. It results in soggy, unappealing Pizza Rolls which leave a strange kind of greasy sweat on the plate. Instead, wait the required time to heat up your oven to 425. It's worth it. (If you have a toaster oven, more power to you.)
As the bag itself warns, "Caution! Pizza Roll filling may be hot!" May be, indeed. The experienced eater of Pizza Rolls knows to nibble off the corner first, to let the steam escape. Even so, the first few Pizza Rolls are best eaten with extreme care. Otherwise, the reactor-hot cheese inside will squirt straight onto the roof of your mouth, and you will be very sorry.